The Path of Self Love - There's no easy route

I listened to a Podcast the other day, where the person interviewed gave a quote that went something like,

“Plants want to grow and will, but if you give them the right care and attention, they won’t just grow, they will flourish.”

I work with many people who are absolutely gorgeous; thoughtful, considerate, kind, just to name a few of the values that I really admire - its not easy being in London and upholding those values amongst so many strangers, yet they do.

I have always found myself wondering, (with what is also my lifetime challenge) how can the values and the wonderful acts of kindness to strangers (and those we know in equal measure) not correlate with how we talk to ourselves inside our head, especially at times when we really need our own support?

And maybe, just maybe there is a way out of this.

Those who know me, will also know the strength I put on all people being different in all sorts of ways - not just how we look, but who we are; we can be just as varied on the inside as the outside.

So in a deep dive into why I hurt myself when I need me most and what can I do to become my own cheer-leader, I found myself wondering about Love languages and their impact on relationships, and perhaps we can use the same perspective to use them with our relationship with ourselves.

Firstly, what are the basics of The Love languages? Inspired and conceived by Gary Chapman, an American Pastor and Anthropologist, considered that if we are in a relationship with a significant ‘other’, it is more than likely that we may have different languages and these differences can cause conflict or when the same, enhance the loving relationship. He settled on a variety of five types, and these can be interchangeable, but chances are, there will be a primary go - to for all of us.

Words of Affirmation: 

This love language involves verbal and written expressions of love and appreciation. People who value this love language thrive on compliments, kind words, and supportive messages.

Quality Time: 

Quality time is about giving undivided attention and spending meaningful time with your loved ones. People who appreciate this love language value focused and uninterrupted moments together.

Receiving Gifts: 

This love language involves the giving and receiving of physical gifts. People who resonate with this love language appreciate thoughtful presents as symbols of love and care.

Acts of Service: 

Acts of service refer to doing things for others to express love and support. This can include tasks or favours that alleviate the burden on the recipient. People who value this love language feel loved when others help them out.

Physical Touch: 

Physical touch encompasses non-sexual physical contact, such as hugs, holding hands, or a gentle touch on the arm. People who have this love language feel most loved and connected through physical affection.

So imagine if our love language is words of affirmation and that is so very important to us, and we then say in our heads, “You’re shit, everything you do is shit, everything that you look like is shit.” Where does that leave us? - Especially when words of affirmation are so important.

Or, if you valued quality time the most and you worked full time and then gave extra hours overtime away without a second thought - What damage is that doing to your psyche?

So what could we do to remedy the situation?

Firstly, let’s establish what our primary love language is, do click on the link that leads you to the Love Language Questionnaire and then, when you’re ready, have a look below for ways to make a difference in being kind to yourself and lets see if it does :)

https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language

What we can do…

Words of Affirmation:

- Write positive affirmations about yourself and read them daily.

- Practice self-talk that is encouraging and uplifting.

- Keep a gratitude journal to remind yourself of your accomplishments and strengths.

Quality Time:

- Set aside regular "me-time" to engage in activities you enjoy.

- Prioritise self-care and self-reflection, maybe through journaling.

- Disconnect from technology and create moments of solitude for self-reflection.

Receiving Gifts:

- Treat yourself to small indulgences or items you've been wanting.

- Celebrate your achievements with rewards or tokens of self-appreciation.

- Create a self-care package with items that bring you joy and comfort.

Acts of Service:

- Take care of your physical and emotional needs, such as eating well, exercising, and getting enough rest.

- Delegate tasks or ask for help when needed to reduce stress.

- Engage in acts of self-compassion, such as forgiving yourself and practicing self-care routines.

Physical Touch:

- Engage in activities that promote physical well-being, such as exercising, getting a massage, or taking relaxing baths.

- Practice self-soothing techniques like gentle self-massage or holding yourself in comforting positions.

- Wear clothes that make you feel comfortable and confident in your own skin.

These examples are just a beginning point, and it's really important to explore what works best for you to flourish, not what anyone else would do.

Consider your own preferences and needs, and find ways to incorporate self-love practices that align with your primary love language as a starter to the road of self love and recovery from that toxic person inside your head.

I’m going to give it a go too, because, you know, why not?

Thanks to Photo by Jacob Plumb on Unsplash

Lockdown survivors

You know what?

Surviving lockdown is a thing.

We made it out the other end, and for that I am sure you (as well as I) are super grateful.

However,

More and more I’m seeing distress everywhere.

I know I am one of the lucky ones who got to keep working through lockdown and I am super lucky and ever grateful that my friends and family weren’t as awfully impacted by the Coronavirus as some people, a lot of people.

Distress however is coming in all sorts of weird and wonderful ways.

Perhaps it is because we survived a global pandemic that there was always the anticipation of more …In the least, more than we had before.

However what we appear to have is more to give.

The UK is creaking, we all know that we cannot trust the Government any more, we cannot trust the news and the Pandemic has shown us that we are not to trust our neighbour. What and who can we trust? We are constantly bombarded by information, what science says, whose opinions matter, all the time leaving us questioning what is really true, who do we believe?

Many of us forged a life working from home, and as wonderful humans we are, we learnt to adapt only to be returned back to the office, with just as much work and meetings than ever before, but also a commute to swallow back up the spare time we once had.

In lockdown we all had the facility to save the ‘going out’ money and the return to society has offered the return to increased prices to meet increased costs - the world we have returned to is so very different to the world we left behind.

It’s impacting us all.

If you feel you haven’t got a grasp on your time, your money or your happiness, if it helps; it’s happening to a lot of us, we are all grappling with the disappointment of the times and the people in these times.

What can we do to help these feelings?

DELETE DELETE DELETE unhealthy social media

Whether it is removing the account entirely or whether it is having a cleanse of the toxic people and/or posts…Yes, even if that’s family or friends, it’ll take a while to adjust but, your world will be better off eventually.

Rather than scroll, deep dive into a podcast, give your eyes a rest from the constant bombarding of information.

Change your Watsapp settings, you don’t need to know when someone was last online, and they don’t need to know the same about you.

Take the baby steps to freedom.

New Year n all that.

This next year, 2023, what about it eh?

Perhaps you have made New Year’s Resolutions, perhaps not.

This year, because I am 52 and really really tired of making resolutions I know I won’t follow, I have decided to begin a (lovely) notebook, titled, “Because I said I would.”

Many of my friends and family are great at doing things they say they are going to, but quite often, my either undiagnosed ADHD, or most definitely creative and menopausal brain…Or all three, gets easily distracted by shiny things, or most things.

So my one and only NYR is to write the stuff I will most definitely DO in my notebook.

I totally appreciate that some of us struggle with the relentless demands of “What’s your New Year’s Resolution?” Because some people (usually the people asking) are really good at them.

So here’s to us who struggle with that stuff.

So to help along the way, make your first New Year’s resolution…

TO BE KIND TO YOURSELF

If you feel compelled to being the torture of change on the 1st January, make the first week or even the first two weeks … Planning.

Plan to start when you’re ready

That means when you’ve detoxed from the booze (or the family)

When your cupboards are finally empty… Make the goals easier- the year isn’t going anywhere and here in the UK, these next two months are usually the bleakest.

Be kind to yourself, start crap and get better, improve; so just one small change is plenty to start with, and celebrate that you’re on your journey.

Insead of “giving up” the fags/booze/food/sex etc, make it about what you will increase or gain, we are much better working with positive increases, remember what you used to love when you were a kid, go buy that lego kit , that jigsaw, that craft set…Treat yourself. Change can be a fragile beast, so kindness and positive rewards are essential.

Finally, remember if you want to change you, it’s time to change the things that you DO.

Little by little… Plan to watch 5 nights of Netflix instead of 7, plan to listen to the radio or podcasts more, give your eyes a break.

And, If you want…. Have a listen to this recording below to re energise.

Most of all, know that by making the changes that you want, YOU ARE LOVED.

What better gift to ourselves eh?

Finding our super power

There’s not much to add here, other than, “Awwwwww, go on, have a watch”.

https://blog.ted.com/amy-cuddy-power-poses-through-pop-culture/

https://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_may_shape_who_you_are

Guest Blog

I guess so many people in this world spend life just getting by – just surviving on the hamster wheel of juggling family, partners, parents, interests, jobs, careers and friends… for some it works well; for others it’s more finely balanced… and sadly, for a smaller percentage still, it will all fall apart one day and you are left wondering just what on earth happened. 

This was my experience in 2020. I found myself homeless during the pandemic, having lost my home, gone through a divorce, suffered physical violence against me and other abuse that nearly rubbed me out.

I guess I’d always been mildly conscious of being a bit of a people pleaser, worrying about what people thought of me. But the ‘trauma’ of my childhood (always moving home when very young and then life as a lonely and bullied latch key kid later) I never truly understood the implications and the potential impact of this.

I mostly drifted through my 20s, followed my friends from party to concert to festival to bar and back. After a period of unhappiness, physical symptoms and mild anxiety (that I put down to my life choices at the time), until I  met someone and, despite some doubt and avoidance on my behalf, we settled down and eventually we got married in 2013 after 6 years together. Looking back, I married because I felt it was the right thing to do – primarily for others expectations; for her, for our families, but also because we’d been together for these six years and it felt like time was slipping away somehow. Even when I popped the big question, the answer was “Are you sure?” Looking back, it was destined not to survive as we both felt that being with someone – anyone – was better than being alone, and then to compound its fate, we also did not know how to communicate.

Learning to stay with someone far longer than was healthy where you do not align, sadly  became underlined going through the divorce when, at this moment of maximum vulnerability, I fell for the charms of someone different who felt like ‘home’ – that, I see now, was the combination of two people with deep, unhealed childhood wounds. Seeing and imagining in each other the would-be the parent figure to make it all ok again…

I ultimately, betrayed myself to put up with bullying, emotional abuse, destruction of my property and, in the end, violence. Some three years, with many tears and far more trauma. I am now free and healing but only through the irony of the challenging and relentless pandemic giving me an opportunity to get away. 

It’s been a long road but finally I am now learning a real lot about myself; through growth, inner work and healing from both the original and newer trauma.

If I have any advice to give, I strongly recommend being in touch with your gut instinct and reflect on your choices regularly. Speak your truth and challenge any controlling behaviour.

And, finally, if you’ve been through or are going through a tumultuous time, take the time to investigate your feelings and be proactive in prioritising your healing above all else! 

Image, thanks to : warren-wong-u7dy-n4uZVk-unsplash.jpg

Just how long is that 'To do' list?!

Perhaps it can be really useful to write a TO DO list, sometimes.

Other times it can just add to the overwhelm, and it can be about gauging whether this is a time to do all the “to dos”?

I know at the moment it seems that everyone is juggling the transition between going back to work, doing online meetings, with hardly the space to pee, let alone poo.

If that is you, recognise that many of the To dos are going to have to be To waits, as you are currently going through transition- and change can create an enormous amount of pressure, so it is really important to just give yourself the space and time to go through the change until you get your roots down again and the usual systems are in place.

If you are ready for the To dos…

A really useful tip for the to dos, to help reduce overwhelm, is to take an A4 sheet of paper and fold it into 3- so it looks like a menu.

On the front write at the top; NOW

Inside write; NEXT

And the back; AT SOME POINT

That way you can break down a massive heap of To dos into something waaaay more manageable, and as you go through ticking of the NOWs you can flip over in to the NEXTs and love it!

What’s more you can break everything down into tiny steps…..

I have to make a meal.

NOW

Decide on the meal

NEXT

Plan the shopping list

AT SOME POINT

Go shopping

(you can add an EVENTUALLY)

Cook the meal

Baby steps with lists can be really helpful and more importantly, really fulfilling.

Photo by Ann Marie Ludlow from Pexels

SHAME and growing up with a Narcissistic parent

Shame creeps around behind the scenes for most children whom have grown up in toxic environment; something we swallow down deep, hand in hand with the belief that, no matter what we do, we just aren’t good enough.

And that’s the thing, sometimes in a toxic environment we are valued for the things we do; we do our best to make people happy and our reward is being valued for what we have just done, for that brief moment.

The difference? in a secure household, doing something adds happiness, but doesn’t create value, because we are already valued and already loved just by BEING. Everything else we do becomes added extras, so even if we are not doing, we are still be loved and valued just by being us.

I shall just keep this little post brief as Brené, is once again hitting awesome with her talks;

What is the antidote to shame?

“Empathy.”

What gives power to shame?

“Secrecy, silence and judgement.”

What Brené also says, is that guilt and shame are two very different beasts; guilt reflects on the behaviour whereas shame reflects on the identity.

“ I made a mistake” Guilt

“I am a mistake” Shame

It isn’t uncommon to find the child of a toxic parent who fails to give the parent EVERYTHING that they need, to be awash with shame. Because we have been groomed to appease and please, and when we don’t, we don’t just simply make a mistake, we become a ‘bad person’ for not sacrificing our needs, or, for not wanting to please, in doing so, we cause rejection and because in most cases a toxic parent is unable to reflect there becomes something wrong with you. Not the choices you took or the reasons you took those choices.

And of course always remembering that the toxic injury happened when you were a child- how could you ever even expect to meet a toxic parent’s needs? You were far too little to take on such big expectations.

As Brené discusses in her Ted Talk, the antidote is empathy; empathy to others but most importantly, empathy to the child within and to yourself as an adult.

Children are expected to make mistakes- that is an integra; part of learning as we grow up, and as an adult? Of course we make mistakes, that’s being human, the trick is the forgiveness, learning how to forgive ourselves through empathy, is the key.

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame?utm_campaign=tedspread&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=tedcomshare

With thanks to Chaewon Lee on Unsplash: https://unsplash.com/photos/VfhoKbFv16Y

Life in lockdown, a well rounded life?

So, we are nearly at the end of our mammoth series of Lockdowns…..Maybe.

Lock down has been a trial of sorts for all of us, primarily managing a ‘killer’ virus and secondly managing a whole new way of life.

Those of us still working through the pandemic have been inundated with work pressures, meeting after meeting with no space to pee, let alone fill up the cup of vodka.

Those of us with additional unexpected free time, bound to the local area and battling boredom alongside the pressure of the uncertainty of return.

All of us living life AT HOME- our houses creaking at the seams with people and activity, the echoes of Netflix and the ‘just one more episode’ thoughts.

SO what will out new “normal” look like?

What do we want to take into our new way of living?

For me it is something as simple as loving my lockdown introduced afternoon shower- there’s something about it that reminds me of being on holiday, coming in from one activity and getting ready for a chilled afternoon (my afternoons have been far from chilled) but that 20 mins reserved for the shower is enough to recalibrate and pump some dopamine through the system.

Perhaps it is worth taking a bit of stock in this last week about what have been the treasures worth keeping from our lockdown lives?

Perhaps we can look back with gratitudes for a year off of commuting, special times with our family, connecting with friends online? The opportunity to know what needs changing? Is now the time to recalibrate?

RECALIBRATION

Goal setting

Grab some of sheets of paper and a couple of pens, this exercise can get messy…

Sit in your thoughts and then write down with some bold pens;

1. All the things you love about lockdown

2. All the things you dislike about lock down

3. All the things you love about freedom

4. All the things you dislike about freedom

5. What sort of person are you

6. What sort of person do you want to be

Then place them on the floor and have a look and a think and juggle them around and stand on the person you are sheet of paper and see what resonates, then stand on the person you want to be sheet and see what resonates that is the same or different, that way you can work towards who you want to be in more simple and clearer way.

Highlight the words, each time so that you have a code for goal mapping.

While some people may have been doing activity after activity and being totally awesome over lockdown some of us may be just exiting with nothing other the feeling of disappointment because we could have done more- instead we can look forward and set our goals and aspirations for the future, taking our lockdown learning and using it to create a whole new way of life. Goddamit :)

Going it alone.

Does ‘Alone’ have to be a dirty word?

Making the choice to be alone, be it for a day, a week, a year or even a lockdown (who knows what length of time one of those are) is an interesting position to be in, but more often than not, especially at times like this, being alone is rather forced upon us than chosen.

The human species has a really great gift, we can adapt, some of us easier than others, but in the end the choice we have for happiness can be around adapting and how easily we make the choice to adapt.

In the many years of working, what has spoken to me most is how we can feel abjectly alone when we are with someone who doesn’t get us, who doesn’t understand us, nor we them, I won’t utter the buzzword Narcissist, not here, not now, because it isn’t just Narcissism that comes into question when a relationship doesn’t work out as well as we hoped, it can just be something as simple as difference, or a breakdown in communication, or love styles.

But sometimes, sometimes it can be that we are with a Narcissist, or someone on the Narcissistic spectrum, and perhaps it is only coming to light with this one to one lockdown living, perhaps a bit of a Google has shown you some things that really, finally make sense. One of the guides through a toxic relationship can be yourself:

Do you feel unheard or unseen?

Do you feel lonely, and chastise yourself because you know you shouldn’t feel lonely, this is what you always wanted.

Do your needs get met or are you constantly providing for the other’s needs? -That can come in many ways by;

Meeting their practical needs; like cooking & cleaning

Meeting their purchase needs; constantly having to buy presents and gifts

Meeting their emotional needs; ‘keeping’ them happy by not disagreeing or by constantly complimenting.

Meeting their expectations, feeling like you have to perform, dress up, work out to please them

Your body and your feelings can be your guide, take time out to listen to how you feel, measure it, (that can really help)

“Out of 10 for loneliness I feel a 9.”

“Out of 100% I feel 20% happy.”

Ideally we always want to be around the middle on a usual day, a 6 on the happiness scale, is a healthy average, we can’t possibly be a 9, or even a 10 all the time, that would be like eating cake for breakfast, lunch and tea!

So we want to be in the healthy ranges, the middle ground- measuring our feelings can help us to see where we are at, but can also help to locate what those feelings actually are, how strong is your hopelessness scale? Your uncertainty scale? Could that be because of lockdown, or could it be because of finding your purpose? …How strong is the scale for meeting your purpose?

It can be really helpful to get an idea of what is going on, whether it is us, our relationship or life circumstances, because once we know, we can do something about it.

Coming back to the main theme of this blog, ‘going it alone’, what if you are in a relationship that for whatever reason isn’t working, but you are too scared to be alone? Can you feel more alone than you do right now? Is that possible? What stops you from making changes? perhaps if you have the space and the safety to do so, writing the pros and cons can really be helpful- not just the practical, but the emotional, remembering that if you have been in a toxic relationship for a while now, chances are, you have already been going it alone.

After being heavily embroiled in a toxic or Narcissistic relationship, the general advice is to go no contact; the reason for this, in the main is for a healthier recovery process - keeping the wound clean so to speak, but it’s not just from the ‘other’ person, we can remain connected and in contact by bingeing on youtube videos about Narcissism or toxic relationships, we can go hunting for validation on Quora or Insta, once we have managed to escape the clutches of the toxic death throes and we separate from the other, we heal, we stay away from contact, the final stage is to be at peace with the endless hunt for explanation, to let go of the youtube videos, and the sucking in of the knowledge about all the buzzwords the covert narcissism, gaslighting, emeshment etc, Because that is all about them. That is contact to the old.

So it is time to focus on all about you, learning about what is is you want, turning yourself to face the future, enjoying being alone and doing ALL the things you couldn’t do in that toxic world.

What do you like?

What do you love?

Was trashy TV of football GUILT FREE!

Alone can be a gift if we give ourselves the chance to really, I mean really enjoy it.

So do get in touch if you’re having a wobble about being alone or lonely, it doesn’t have to be for a lifetime of sessions, it can just be for a pick me up, or a chance to understand what it is you want, more often than not, if we have been groomed to be in a relationship where we are not ‘allowed’ to have needs, knowing what we actually want when we are out a relationship can be really tough, so it can be useful just to talk stuff through and make life easier.

You can treat yourself to a book too perhaps?

The Unexpected joy of being single is a great start.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Unexpected-Joy-Being-Single/dp/1912023814/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=the+unexpected+joy+of+being+single&qid=1611190076&sr=8-1

On being kind.

On being Kind

Has anyone noticed we are in pandemic?

I mean really noticed?

Anyone been a bit kinder with the New Year’s Resolutions because of it?

Choosing to be gentle with ourselves, because all around us is this strange, anxiety- provoking, coronavirus, uncertain life.

I must say, there have been occasions where I have slipped too. Gone to bed late (thank you Netflix) and DEMANDED to myself that I should be up at sunrise the next day, walked the dog, done an exercise routine, eaten porridge with hand picked fruits (organic) of the forest, scattered with the latest good-for-you seeds and washed it all down with some kombucha and green tea (organic) meditated post breakfast and scribed the latest list of gratitudes….. Then, start a day’s work.

Hilarious.

The reality? I drag myself out of bed, as Bear (the pooch) can’t hang on any longer for his morning ablutions, (‘morning’ being a loose term). Post walk, I wash, dress, brush my teeth grab a tea or coffee and crack on hoping the neighbours aren’t judging the late hour of my curtain opening and let’s be under no illusions, if it wasn’t for Bear, I would rarely see outdoors… Or come to think of it, even fit through the door to get outside.

Since March I have had the luxury of being able to work from home, but also, similar to most, I have had the joy of spending it with my inner, undiluted self.

-Yep that one that wants me jogging 5k, 10k, the London Marathon, that one who wants me working every spare moment, because I am working from home and can keep… on… going.

I know her very well, and on occasions she can be super helpful, but most of the time she can be hell to live with, a nightmare teacher, a super bitchy acquaintance, the office bully and a really shit manager all rolled into one nightmare house mate in my head.

Her favourite words?

SHOULD
MUST
HAVE TO
GOT TO
NEED TO

Needless to say the above words cause nothing but resistance in my adult self, as much as they did in my child self. That voice, that Tracey? She’s a bitch of a bully, always concerned about what others think, fitting in to society; being a pillar of the community, with very little ability to actually care about me.

The great thing is, I know her, I know she’s there, waiting for that moment to pounce and kick me when I am down, should she sniff an element of failure.

So very rarely does she take me by surprise nowadays.

If you could think about your inner-bully- what would they look like?

What do they say to you and when?

Me? It most definitely happens when I am already feeling vulnerable, she just comes on in and ‘tries’ to give a good ‘ole kick, at the peak time when being gentle is so much more important.

Meanwhile in my mind, to offset that bully, I have my favourite character (but just as destructive in some ways), my little old lady who I call Gladys; she’s cute, sits by the fire with a big cup of tea and a plate of custard creams, she regularly pats the chair beside her and says, “Go on, have some biscuits, come *cwtch by the fire.” She regularly invites me to have what I WANT- no limits, because, to her, I deserve it- she loves me unconditionally, and that love has no limits and her gifts and her comfort, no limits….. (She really loves watching Netflix).

So for a while, I found myself oscillating between the ‘good’ and the ‘bad’, flip flopping my way through life.

The bully Tracey judging then pushing and pushing, or to escape that and find comfort, my old lady Tracey. There was no safe, secure, firm and fair, happy medium.

Since I realised that my mental self was crammed with these extremes, I have created a newer, ‘parent’ self in my mind- a kind, caring and wise self, for me she is very similar in my imagination to a mother nature type character- someone who I would love my older self to become.

She is generous in spirit and offsets my bully, who says “You SHOULD” and she says, “Is this for you?”, ”Is this the right time to do that?” She moderates what I need and want, giving me permission to look after myself and put what suits me best, first.

And perhaps that involves NOT staying up till 2am watching another episode on Netflix, so I can get up, NOT at the crack of dawn, but at least in single figures at a time that suits my needs best. She helps moderating my visits to the kitchen fridge, she holds the balance, so I can treat my lockdown as a safe sanctuary.

Or, if I need to, after a particularly harrowing or busy day, I have her permission to stay up late, using the familiar comfort of Netflix to zone out with Gladys, knowing I can be gentle with myself the following day. Or have the rare day with my bully, just getting things done with a bit of pushing.

None of it all the time, but in moderation to my needs and gently, because we are in a pandemic.

So if you are living with a bully in your mind- keep an eye out for them, and perhaps find someone to offset that bully in a firm but fair way. Create the characters in your mind’s eye, give them names and personalities, clothe them; imagine them having conversations, see what works best for you.

We are living in extraordinary times when there is the unknown all around us, this isn’t time to be harsh with ourselves, it a great time to understand who we are and what are our healthy limits.

Hypnotherapy sessions don’t have to be about trauma, but can be about listening to ourselves in a safe and secure environment, to create the changes we need or want.

Even if it’s a one off session here and there to keep that bully at bay, just get in touch.

You’re doing ok, hang in there.

07976629098 / hypkids@gmail.com

Suzanne Vega, you rock.

1985, I was 15 when I first heard this song, loved it.

This track made sense to me in all sorts of ways, but primarily? The silent longing, the outward longing….The longing and there’s me, a love- tortured 15 year old, listening to her tape recorder in her bedroom, making sense of how the world isn’t the fairytale that I had read in all those books growing up.

Skip 30 years later, the song still resonates for much more grown up reasons, knowing what I know about toxic dynamics and the unrelentless pain and loneliness they can cause.

And for me? This still beautiful song echos the love the empath has for the Narcissist, how the empath tries but just cannot reach the person they see & feel beyond the veneer.

It also shows the hopelessness of the endeavour, that even though it may feel like a fairytale, there’s no fairytale ending, just the painful reality of roles that cannot be transcended.

No matter what we see, what we feel, if the other person does not want to be reached, does not want to meet us halfway, our unrequited love can only serve to hurt us.

The great gift of being an empath? We are able to love anyone or anything, so as such, learning ways to be selective is really important, and knowing we don’t have to settle for something that hurts us.

So to anyone suffering in a toxic relationship, please have a listen and a read of the lyrics.

You can be loved and you are loveable - don’t settle for less.

The Queen and the Soldier.

Suzanne Vega

The soldier came knocking upon the Queen's door
He said, "I am not fighting for you any more"
The Queen knew she'd seen his face someplace before
And slowly she let him inside

He said, "I've watched your palace up here on the hill
And I've wondered who's the woman for whom we all kill
But I am leaving tomorrow and you can do what you will
Only first I am asking you why"

Down in the long narrow hall he was led
Into her rooms with her tapestries red
And she never once took the crown from her head
She asked him there to sit down

He said, "I see you now, and you are so very young
But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won
And I've got this intuition, says it's all for your fun
And now will you tell me why?"

The young queen, she fixed him with an arrogant eye
She said, "You won't understand, and you may as well not try"
But her face was a child's, and he thought she would cry
But she closed herself up like a fan

And she said, "I've swallowed a secret burning thread
It cuts me inside, and often I've bled"
He laid his hand then on top of her head
And he bowed her down to the ground

"Tell me how hungry are you? How weak you must feel
As you are living here alone, and you are never revealed
But I won't march again on your battlefield"
And he took her to the window to see.

And the sun, it was gold, though the sky, it was gray
And she wanted more than she ever could say
But she knew how it frightened her, and she turned away
And would not look at his face again

And he said, "I want to live as an honest man
To get all I deserve and to give all I can
And to love a young woman who I don't understand
Your highness, your ways are very strange"

But the crown, it had fallen, and she thought she would break
And she stood there, ashamed of the way her heart ached
She took him to the doorstep and she asked him to wait
She would only be a moment inside

Out in the distance her order was heard
And the soldier was killed, still waiting for her word
And while the Queen went on strangely in the solitude she preferred
The battle continued on

The dreaded BINGE.

Most of us are facing the lock down number two, and while it’s lovely being cosy and snug and not commuting in the rain and the cold. What is not so lovely is being under 20 feet from the kitchen and ‘fridge TV’.

It is just SO easy to take a break from home-working or managing the kids to go look in the kitchen cupboards or to stand vacantly in front of the glow of the fridge light looking for something delicious to break the monotony of the day; invariably there’s nothing delicious, so anything will do, those stale crackers could be pepped up with a good helping of butter and cheese….

But what if there IS something delicious, lots of delicious things in fact and you’re all alone and there is just no-one but yourself to stop you?

May the binge begin.

You told yourself shopping that you wouldn’t and this time you would eat sparingly, do it differently, but that was during the day and now it’s dark, you’re knackered, fed up and, well, there all that food is.

So what we know is, the same behaviour = the same outcome.

So perhaps it is worth doing something a little differently?

1. Give yourself permission to binge- A huge motivator is self loathing, so what would happen if it was Okay to actually binge?

2. Mid-binge have a small break, take yourself to a mirror and go and smile at yourself, say out loud words of encouragement; talk about your successes in life, then give yourself permission to go back to bingeing, if you are still enjoying it. If not, do something that you may enjoy instead, perhaps a bath or a shower, chuck on some music or listen to a TED talk.

3. Do not promise to starve yourself the following day whilst you are eating, you do not deserve further punishment.

4. What could you do that would be kind to yourself? What would you say to your best friend if she was in pain? Kindness is always the key.

5. Have a think, when you have a moment about what a good enough parent would say, how would they hold firm and fair boundaries? Would they want you to eat a healthy meal first? This could always be a first ‘go to’ option, some healthy and delicious meal? Perhaps, if you selected yourself some really scrumptious meals, you may not look for calorie dense binge choices.

In all of this, we are living through a pandemic, these are unusual times, and if it means eating a delicious lasagne with salad and garlic bread, do it!

-You can bet your bottom dollar, it’s less calories than bingeing a crate of Ben and Jerry’s.

Top tips aside, if you do want to make a difference with your relationship with food, and yourself, nothing beats bespoke therapy as we are all so different and there are so many threads to why we eat what we eat. If your pocket doesn’t stretch to the cost of therapy it is worth having a look at Geneen Roth’s books:

Amazon.co.uk, Geneen Roth, Compulsive eating.

But a great couple of starting points would be:

-Keep an eye on your shopping, treat yourself to healthy, delicious foods, a pandemic is not the time to make dramatic changes where you suffer more.

-Create a relationship to food diary; write about your food as though your food is your partner- is that partner treating you well, and nourishing your needs like a friendship? Or is it a toxic, abusive partner that wants you to feel unhappy and ‘lesser than’ ? -That applies to all foods, not just the ones saved for the binge.

Once you have your relationship penned down, have a look through the feelings and have a little think about why you are choosing to feel this way, and there, is where the work begins. No one deserves to feel shitty, especially at the moment.

When you are delving into these dark feelings, treat yourself afterwards to something to break the darkness, put on a great film or power song or do something that you consider to be a treat - that doesn’t go in your mouth.

If you can consistently punish yourself with food, you have more determination than people who don’t. You can do this!

Lastly,

Be kind, be firm and fair, be your own ‘good enough’ parent.

Photo by Henley Design Studio on Unsplash

Doing the right thing -Guest blog

Doing the right thing is hard.

I'm nostalgic for a time when impulsivity was met with little to no resistance, when the consequences were merely minor details to be dealt with at a later date by a different version of myself.

One who knew better but didn't always do better.

It's fun to do the wrong things, even if you know you'll get hurt in the end, whether it's soon or later - sooner or later aren't now, they're distant future memories.

I know in my heart that I do not want to cause myself pain.

Resistance is only fun until reality strikes with an open palm once more. As I hit the floor and finally look up to see the unavoidable truth, the feelings I was trying to avoid wash over me tenfold.

I'm paralysed.

I will fix myself by repeating the same formula until something has to give.

I can convince myself of many things, but underneath, I always know the truth which is why I become obsessed with convincing myself of the lie.

'It will be OK, I will be OK, I can do this thing and it will be fine, right? I'm good now, I can handle this. I can be this person I've never really had any long term evidence of me being simply because I have decided it is so.'

If only I had listened, if only I'd learned.

And it will always be fine, it will always be OK, but do I want it the easy way or the hard way?

Do I want to favour short term satisfaction and long term discomfort over short term needing, no, wanting and delayed gratification with a bigger, more rewarding payout.

How many times do I have to learn?

Ultimately, I have to practise living with myself. I have to accept who I am, all my faults, all the parts of me that don't work the way I think they should (and who am I to say?) and work with them rather than against them.

I should not conspire against my weaknesses and be stubborn enough to think that self-will and desire alone are enough to overcome parts of me that are entrenched.

It would be nice to have the things I think others have, but what about the things I have?

They're enviable too.

Patience is a virtue and good things come to those who wait, but sometimes, in the quiet seas of change, I wish I could make it safe to be a hurricane.

Photo with thanks to: Chinh Le Duc

Tell anxiety to, “F@*k Right Off ” with Hypnotherapy, and if you can’t do it with Hypnotherapy, do it yourself.

alexander-mils-gPkBY-qgGvQ-unsplash.jpg

Remember that saying, “The devil makes work for idle hands.” - The same goes for idle minds.

Ok so, you wake up one day and you’re anxious.

What do you do?

It might be that it doesn’t happen first thing, it may be that it hits you suddenly in the shower (not uncommon), but nonetheless, it wasn’t there before but now it’s in every cell, just waiting for the quiet moments to kick in.

In most cases we can wait for the surge of anxiety to pass and most of the time it does.

Our rational mind concludes that we haven’t slept properly or haven’t been eating properly or are downright understandably anxious, after all, most intelligent folk are suffering from the BREXIT fallout and those future times of uncertainty. Now, on top of that, we are dealing with a strange and complicated present, who knows what is certain with going back out into society, who knows what the future and even present impact of Coronavirus is? We have been living our lives with regularity and relative ease and then, “Bam!” out of the blue comes a virus that locks-in The world

- Who knows what else could happen?

When we consider that, quite probably, the world as we have known it will change for all of us, maybe in a small or huge way. Is it a surprise that we feel anxiety tugging on what underpins us? Our safety, and our security; long gone is expecting that things will be, in the main, predictable and therefore comfortable, suddenly this thing has happened that questions EVERYTHING. -Not just for one of us, but for the whole world!

Life (predictably) probably won’t be predictable for little while longer, so how do we manage it?

A couple of helpful insights to kick into action would be;

Digging deep - looking at how we deal with things at our best, and incorporating the new ways gently and easily.

• Who am I when I am being successful?

• What do I do differently?

Some of the basics have been lost over lock down, because they are easily lost (as we are great at adapting).

Perhaps the basics are actually some things that we do resonate with success and power, and while hypnotherapy can address the associations long-term, in the meanwhile we can work to feeling successful and tapping in to our power associations.

Do I dress to impress anymore? Do I wake up early? Do I catch up with my friends enough? and most importantly, am I washing, brushing my teeth / shaving and actually getting out and getting my heart rate up?

We are all victims of society at present, and we can choose how we want to be, knowing that.

Do we want to be submissive and withdraw into a weakened position where we allow the fear to take control? Or do we want to be able to stand up to our anxiety, and tell it to, “F@*k right off”?

Society will be this way for a while and of course, we are human and likely to feel our fear in quiet times BUT we ARE human and we are awesome at adapting, so let’s crack on with positive adapting!

Are we a ‘doer’? If so, we need a project to ‘do’. A thinker? We need a project to think about- be those projects creative or educational, we live for action. If we haven’t got a project that satisfies ‘all’ of us, find one, change what we are doing.

There is little we can do in the face of uncertainty and unpredictability, especially when work identities have changed and life identities altered, so the only control we have is being in the present and working on ourselves, right here, right now.

So why not move beyond that fear layer and tap in to our strengths and develop an attitude that fits us best, use our life skills- we have got to this point with all of our qualities, let’s use them to move forward.

Hypnotherapy can help with bringing out your warrior, why not give it a go?

Call: 07976629098

Email: Hypkids@gmail.com

Coronavirus times.

A big shout out to everyone looking after each other! Who knew we could be so thoughtful staying at home?

I am writing this in what is hopefully the final weeks of the lockdown. My FOMO (fear of missing out) has been completely abated knowing that everyone is missing out, phew. However, in the last couple of days it’s been replaced with FONGATHJD (fear of not getting all the household jobs done).

So here am I, rocking my Covid19, Self-styled hair, still looking at the skirting board that still needs painting, still thinking about washing my lampshades (never gonna happen), I still haven’t done a Joe Wicks, and still not created that stunning piece of art for Grayson Perry. *sigh.

Joe Wicks

https://www.channel4.com/press/news/graysons-art-club

I have however, drunk and eaten…. Why is it that the world of food has totally dominated the household? I wonder if the initial food supplies issues have triggered everyone subtly to have their cupboards stocked for the just in case. It seems what took 20 mins in the past has been replaced with hours. Hours of shopping, prepping, cooking, eating, only to be done all over again in another couple of hours.

I think that’s most certainly ordinary, for a while now all of us have been totally living in the present- the future scary- a huge, blank unknown, we don’t have any future anchors to pull us away from our present thoughts and feelings, holidays no longer booked, scheduled visits to friends out the window and unreachable, so it makes sense that the present is expanding, tasks are expanding to fill the present.

It makes sense that diets have rapidly departed with no, beach body pressure or even if we will have a working body. Sometimes it is really important to let go and know that some things are circumstantial, and it is really important to give ourselves a break, a mental break from all the nagging voices.

So if you are at home and bullying yourself for last night’s glass(es) of wine or binge-bar of chocolate, just for the moment say bollocks to the voice, because you are doing THE most important thing, you are SURVIVING.

So future plan when your future becomes clearer and while you are busy surviving, treat yourself to a big helping of kindness…. In whatever shape or form that looks like, it won’t be long till the wheels get put back on.

I’ve popped a little youtube for a bit of background below…

Maslow’s Need’s Triangle.

Photo by Sophie Elvis on Unsplash

5 Top cat tips to sit on the face of anxiety.

Excerpts from The (almost) popular book, Being Mostly Cat.

Cats are selfish, self-centred, self-serving, generally all round Narcissists, yet we LOVE them. Having had a chat with a few top cats on the street, I asked them what the key to their successes were, the premier five are below. The book, if you want a little piece of joy in your hand, can be discovered just here…

Cat tip 1

Make YOU a priority- chances are, if you suffer with anxiety, you’re bottom of the pile when it comes to meeting your own needs. In small and simple steps, begin gently taking time for you.

Cat tip 2

Sometimes when we are in overwhelm and we just cannot stop the internal chatter, override it! Get your favourite song on, a song to invoke memories of joy then, SING ALONG! that way we are listening to our words as well the music- double whammy to happiness! Or at least a few minutes escape- enough time to recharge and reboot.

Cat tip 3

Ok, so it may seem basic, but if the sun is shining, grab that time, Vitamin D nature’s gift can help to stave off anxiety- it is well documented that so many of us in the UK lack this simple vitamin in the colder, rainy weather.

If you can, get away to the sunshine, think about how holidays could work better for you, small breaks instead of the standard two weeks, grab the sunshine!

Cat tip 4

The mind can’t really concentrate to full effect for much longer than 20mins, so take that break, get up, stretch have a doze, yawn, walk around- shake your body from dormant and give your brain a rest, a little power booster does the world of good and you can come back to your work feeling bang on point! Yay!

Cat tip 5

Appreciate just how much sleep YOU need, this may not be the same as your family and friends and it may be that everyone has different styles, take time out to think what it is you need. - What’s more, it’s not a competition to be the most knackered in the room, no awards get won, so really get to know yourself and your sleep.

Ready, Steady, GO!

They’re all back to school.

That’s it.

The holidays are over and once again everyone’s social feeds are full of children in uniforms just that little bit too big, ready to begin their next year. Full of innocence for what’s to come.

They’re equipped for the year to come and full of promise and expectations.

It’s strange that as grown ups, we don’t have those assessment points anymore, years can blend into each other and before we know it we are pounding that same old treadmill that we did last year and the year before… and the year before that…

I keep an academic diary, one that starts in July for that very reason, I find my year is much better beginning in the autumn rather than the depths of the frozen and wet winter. I do this because, like many parents, this is when I come back from holiday filled with vigour for the months to come. So it is now I set my goals, (fair enough, I ignore quite a few of them), but this is the time I can dream, sitting in the garden with a lovely cuppa.

So perhaps you too could consider the same? While the sun is out, you feel positive (and most importantly), the kids are gone, and you can create in this beautiful peace before 3:30pm where it all begins again.

Lost your spark?

10 top tips to getting the sparkle back to life.

1) Watch a TED talk first thing; let great speakers inspire you to begin your day.

2) (My least favourite) Do some exercise; drag a friend out for a walk if you dislike it as much as I do, or give Youtube a go, there’s loads of exercise videos on there. Whatever you do, find a way to elevate your heart to elevate your spirits.

3) Consider the worst things that could happen during the day, and at the end of the day notice how many of the worst things didn’t actually happen. Start mentally collecting the results.

4) Give self hypnosis or guided meditation a go, there’s loads of stuff on Youtube. If you haven’t tried Hypnosis or Hypnotherapy, it would be a great start.

5) Do something different, whether that’s (4) or in my case, (2), just give even the tiniest different thing a go.

6) MUSIC! Play those tracks LOUD!

7) DANCE! Remember when the songs sang to you? Feel their joy again, and remember change happens instantly sometimes, this too will pass.

Edwin Starr, Contact is one of my get up and dance favs! (Mind you my boys cringe at my taste!)

8) Give yourself the opportunity to “just do” one or some of those things on your list: Just do 5 minutes on something, whether you do it right or wrong, good or bad, doesn’t matter, just do.

9) Go through your things and chuck some stuff out! Yay! Enjoy the liberating feeling of shedding your old skin, whether its the wardrobe, the kitchen cupboard, the paperwork, Chuck Chuck CHUCK!

10) Talk to the right someone, It does help you know. :)

IF you are constantly giving yourself a hard time, so much so that you have extinguished your own spark, go and find someone that you can work with to find the spark and help to silence that unhelpful critic.

Life is hard enough out there, without it being hard inside your head.