How the heck does it all work?
At the moment “Narcissists” / “Narcissism” seems to be rather in fashion, thanks probably due to our visual networking era, and no doubt Trump has championed one of the viler ends of the scale, bringing the sheer disbelief that can be attached to Narcissistic behaviour to the fore- and yes, at the Psychotic end of the scale Narcissists and their acts are really unbelievable.
Of course, there is a scale; from the out and out Psychopaths to the, put bluntly, f@*king selfish.
And of course there is the ‘nature’ aspect of our history to consider, when back in ye olde days, hunters had to have focus and single mindedness to hunt prey, and others needed the unity, sharing and supporting each other skills for survival, really important for those who weren’t the hunters of the communities.
So lets think about it in terms of the careless cat and doting dog.
The BASIC measures of what makes a Narcissist a Narcissist are;
They lack empathy, which inhibits their capacity to love and care, in addition,
They are the centre of their own universe,
They deep down believe they are more special, the chosen ones,
All those traits together mean they have a drive, an aim; to be adored and desired and get as much attention as they can….. Any attention. So they are constantly prowling for the best attention givers that suit their individual needs that they can find.
This creates a magnetic, almost magical draw for Empaths, people pleasers, and those of us who don't feel 'good enough'- as the Narcissist always wants to be pleased and people pleasers always want to please, and the, not good enoughs will always keep trying… An all this works until one of them gets tired, exhausted by trying or by keeping the mask up.
Because a Narcissist feels little to no empathy, love to them is foreign, love to us, (those of us with empathy) is endless, bigger than the universe, unquantifiable, abundant…. All those glorious terms that come with love.
But to the Narcissist what they believe to be ‘love’ is limited… Because without empathy, love is, well, different.
Love to a Narcissist is solid and objectified, it has a limit, it is attention based, so the common label for what Narcissists feel as ‘love’ is, ‘supply’- ‘What can you give ME?’
A cat will leave you if you don’t give to it what it wants, a cat will find prey just to play, hungry or not.
To gain their supply, (love) the Narcissist subconsciously (and consciously) tests through expectation;
The first item on their relationship check list is-
Do you adore them, will you adore them?
Will you be able to supply and cater to their needs?
If you can't or don’t you’re out, if you can and do, you’re…milked.
OR..... You may be a slow burner and kept in the background until they think you’re ready.
Rarely does a Narcissist go without supply.
What are your warning signs?
How dog are you?
A strong desire to help people, (you may have grown up being rewarded for making your family happy).
More patience than most?
More tolerant than most?
More acceptant than most?
More empathy than most; an Empath?
A career with glamour; be it physical, intellectual or indeed, spiritual?
Glamorous friends and contacts?
Have a helpful social standing for their needs?
Do you give unconditional love?
Do you put other people’s needs before your own?
Do you believe the good will come if you try harder?
Do you tirelessly really work at things?
If so, you may need:
More of those things that 'regular' people take for granted, You need to create more to protect yourself from Narcissistic influencers.
If you have a snippet of doubt that something feels off, any doubt at all, check your boundaries;
Compare- think about how much you have done for this one person that perhaps you don’t do for other people,
Listen, really listen to what your friends say, because you are more dog, chances are your friends will be really solid.
Consider- have you made more exceptions to accommodate the cat in your life?
If so, then,
Strengthen your boundaries and see if they get pushed, and if they do, make your boundaries firmer, practice the art of ‘NO’ by saying 'yes' and slowly distance yourself as much as you can, and work on YOU. Slowly build up your confidence, your strength, your resolve to get away.
The distance will give you strength, getting to know yourself and your vulnerabilities will make you stronger. Learn to trust your instincts and not your grooming.
It’s hard, but you can do it, little by little.
Just my small thoughts with love.