Are you around a Narcissist?
....Or someone with Psychopathic tendencies.
Ever been told you’re “too much” of something ?
.....ACCORDING TO WHOSE SCALE ?
A huge amount of clients have come through my door having been through, (or still going through) a destructive relationship; whether that be with a loved one, a colleague at work, family or a friend.
One of the hardest traumas to get our heads around is being with a loved one who has Psychopathic tendencies and/or Narcissistic traits, both of which are on a sliding scale.
You may have endlessly tried to please, only to find that whatever you do just simply isn't good enough. This becomes so very personal with a Psychopath/ Narcissist, Because they have decided YOU aren’t good enough for them, and sadly, no matter just how much you try to prove your worth, you will never be good enough for their fantasy.
You may find yourself feeling like a shell of what you once were, or so completely tied down you feel constricted, or lost in a maze with no idea where to turn.
If you are empathic or highly sensitive the Narcissist will empty you, it’s natural for them to take from a giver because they see no reason why not.
The Narcissist will mock your emotions and imply you are being extreme.
You’re soooo dramatic
You are too sensitive
You over analyse & ask too many questions
You misunderstand me
You're crazy/ jealous/ paranoid
You're soooo negative
You’re over emotional
You’re needy
You're the perpetrator of all that is wrong
You've got to be the centre of attention
All of these points are true to some degree, because as empaths, we self reflect and know we have flaws, so we keep on trying to prove ourselves by bending into all sorts of different shapes to be loved.
The clanger comes because Everyone has an element of Narcissism, that is ordinary. Perhaps that is the greatest curse for the highly sensitive or the empath; because we constantly question, is it me? Am I the Narcissist?
The questioning is healthy, if we would be high on the Narcissistic scale, we would be less likely to self reflect.
The person with NPD (Narcissistic Psychopathic Disorder) thinks the world is All about them, if there is a flaw, a chink in their armour- that’s because they believe YOU made that happen.
The Narcissist believes that they are the ‘perfect’ person and if there is any distress they feel, they do not self blame, they do not think, did I do something wrong - they believe you created their distress.
Am I with a Narcissist?
The key factor to understanding if you are with a Narcissist is, Do they have empathy for others? Do they have an extreme sense of entitlement?
If they don’t have empathy then have a look at the points above and just invite yourself to question and to understand that perhaps you are with someone that is unhealthy for you.
Do you find yourself wondering why they have a blatant disregard for rules; that rules don’t apply to them? And if you look, I mean really look, do you find yourself wondering what have they done to warrant the respect of others or do they just demand the respect or the inconveniencing of others just because they want it?
It’s difficult to consider all these aspects, I know, especially when you have done all that you can do to keep them happy, and of course, have been focussed on their wellbeing and absorbed by keeping them happy or indeed, trying to claw back how you used to be at the start.
There is a huge wealth of information on the internet and I shall post some links below for the beginning of your journey, if you want to separate your psyche away from them, when you are ready.
Meanwhile, what can you do?
WHAT TO DO?
Begin your research, for you, on being and dealing with a person who has NPD or is high on the NArcissistic scale.
Understand that you cannot change them, you can only work at building yourself back up.
Start separating your psyche from them; turn to friends and family for support.
Begin re-opening channels of communication with others.
(because chances are, they have been trying to separate you from your loved ones).
If you have stopped, start exercising.
Start remembering what is FUN for you.
Understand that they have no empathy- truly understand it, do you own research. This is key.
When I work with clients, (who usually have bucket loads of empathy) this is the hardest thing for us to get our heads around, because empathy is our 6th sense and we can’t imagine life or people without it.
However…
This is where they win their war.
Empathy gives us understanding; we can put ourselves in the “other’s” shoes, and imagine how something must feel for them.
It is rare that they have this capacity to ‘feel’ for another person, unless that it somehow applies to, or affects them.
To expect them to understand how you feel is to great an expectation; we presume other people are like us, when in fact we are as different on the inside as we are on the outside.
The good news in all of this is getting your head around the fact that, IF they don’t feel empathy, and due to their grandiosity they are unable to self reflect, then usually they are not being malicious, they are just satisfying their endless needs.
Again, tricky to get your head around if you’re empathic.
Narcissists, don’t feel love in the way we do- as love involves empathy, they see love as ‘supply’ something that they need to fill up on, to satisfy themselves with.
So. How do we separate from being an endless source of supply?
HOW?
Begin to start shifting focus to yourself, satisfying YOUR needs - Easier said than done when you are in the depths of it, and either consumed by the other or continually questioning whether YOU are the Narcissist (The problem with labels (have a look at my blog), I know.
Every time you think about that person- (because they will be in your thoughts a lot), begin by thinking about YOU and your future and your life, and yes, your thoughts may drift or sneak back to them, and when you notice, pull yourself out again.
Write a list, begin a plan - if you are a list writer or a planner, if you’re not, what way works for you to change?
Look through the links below, and know, you're not alone.
If you want to come in for a session to talk through where your head is at and what you can do to break free of the cage, just get in touch via the contact page.
DEEPER DIVE
If you want to take a deeper dive into what constitutes a personality disorder, please do click on the link below.
External Links
Have a look through and start with the titles the really grab you, look also at ‘Gas lighting’.
Quite analytical and a good playlist for understanding what Narcissism is all about.
A much more friendly, empathic set of playlists that you may feel more warmth towards.
YOUTUBE: Documentaries:
The more extreme end of Psychopathology.
WEBSITE: https://www.psychopathfree.com/content.php
A great wealth of information from those who have experienced being with Narcissists.
You can also follow them on Facebook.
FACEBOOK: https://www.facebook.com/PsychopathFree/?fref=ts
If this writing triggers any issues or confirms any doubts, please do get in touch, if you would like sessions for separation and /or strength just call Tracey: 07976629098. If you’re far far away, online sessions are also available.