South London Therapy

Narcissistic Abuse.

This is a topic very close to my heart, and has been my area of specialism since 2009, there is very little have have experienced with regards to dealing with the horrors that come from Narcissistic abuse.

I have been hesitant over the past couple of years with working with Narcissistic Abuse recovery, as the dynamic has been hugely affected by social media.

Many moons ago, before we really understood the concept, clients would come with anxieties, feeling deeply unsettled having lost their sense of self, their identity and finding that everything is being questioned and we would then carefully unwrap the possibility of Narcissistic abuse and the ever insidious gaslighting effects, now in 2023, there’s the blatant point and call of “Narcissist!” Which can only leave the vulnerable even more terrified; What if I am the Narcissist?

Social media loves a Narc, the focus is all about the Narcissist and blame, and why not? It’s blatant drama. What social media fails to do is understand just how deeply the pain is felt, just how lost the pain leaves us feeling, to the point where everything is too hard and the self loathing we feel is incomparable to anything we have experienced, or will ever experience.

There is more on this site under Narcissism if you want to look further, and if you ever have any questions, please do get in touch, give me a call or send me a text: 07976629098.

There is so much involved with Narcissistic abuse, and while there are broader similarities, every person is different and therefore every case is different, from the malignant (and quite vicious) Psychopathic Narcissists to the just plain ole selfish people or people that behave that they don’t care because (yes really) they don’t. Its not that they want to and can’t, they just have no drive to care for anything that just doesn’t meet their needs - Or even those who just simply are devoid of empathy- any ability to care.

So what actually is Narcissism and how do we define it?

(FYI Everyone has some element of Narcissism - we need it to survive.)

What is Narcissism?

Narcissism is a personality trait, personality traits reflect people’s thoughts, character and behaviours, we are all a different blend of personality traits.

Narcissism is a personality trait that is characterised by a sense of self importance (grandiosity) and a focus on one’s owns needs and desires, this is usually complemented with a lack of empathy for others.Individuals with narcissistic tendencies:

People can also have Narcissistic tendencies - the components of Narcissism can be scaled; some can be more, grandiose, “Don’t you know who I am?!” and some can be more manipulative, secretly playing people off against each other, simply because they can, to name a couple of examples.

What do Narcissistic tendencies look like?

• A Narcissistic personality may have an exaggerated sense of their own abilities

• A Narcissistic personality may seek constant admiration and attention from others

• A Narcissistic personality may demonstrate a sense of entitlement

• A Narcissistic Personality may exploit or manipulate others to serve their own purposes

• A Narcissistic Personality may not have the ability to self reflect due to their grandiosity

• A Narcissistic Personality is unlikely to have empathy for others

Narcissism scores can range from mild to severe in all, some or one of the above tendencies, although usually grandiosity is coupled with a lack of empathy for others. I say ‘others’ because quite often it can appear as though a person with a Narcissistic personality can have empathy; for themselves, and quite often for others if it serves as a purpose for them to have empathy. Quite often empathy is apparent with animals. (Which leads into a further deep dive for another day on what is empathy and is it varied?)

What is Narcissistic abuse?

Narcissistic abuse is a type of emotional abuse. It can come in a huge array of shapes and forms:

• Verbal abuse

• Physical abuse

• Sexual abuse

• Financial abuse

• Exploitation

• Manipulation

• Neglect

  The Narcissist or the person with Narcissistic traits uses their ‘victim/s’ to meet their own needs without caring for how the ‘other’ may feel. It is all represented in different forms of mental manipulation.

The victim of Narcissistic abuse often feels like they are going crazy, that they doubt everything they do or even think, and they cannot understand how someone, who says they love them, can treat them so badly without any care for their wellbeing. Usually when we are in a romantic relationship, we will find ourselves wondering how the relationship has gone from being so fairytale amazing to a point where we can’t do anything right, and everything feels so empty and hollow.

This form of abuse relationship can leave deep deep scars on the victim that can last for years, can even grow deeper if left untouched. Because we are our self esteem, and where we have been emptionally beaten so very badly, we learn to do it to ourselves and even though we may end the relationship, we still persecute ourselves.

And please, if you take nothing from this website than this, please, please remember;

No matter what has happened in your past, or what is happening now, YOU DESERVE to be treated with KINDNESS & RESPECT, not for anything you do, but for WHO YOU ARE.

We all, in the least, deserve kindness and respect.

That's the thing, there is not just one thing at play with Narcissistic abuse, there are so so many variables, and sadly, all it takes is just a little combination of kindness and trust paired with an emotional vacuum, and lo! One unbelievable, unimaginable combination of toxicity, and always, always in a fight, the Psychopath wins- Because they can.

Yep, they will tread where all us angels will fear.

So if you feel you are trapped in a Narcissistic relationship, from parent to work colleague, girlfriend to therapist (yes, they're out there), there is hope, and knowledge is power, google, youtube, find out MORE, and plan (if you are as yet unable to), plan to go,  NO CONTACT.... That's ZERO contact.... No kindness, no closure, no last words, nothing.... Because in a fight, they will win.

Testimonial

Oh gosh where do I start? Well firstly by saying a HUGE thank you to Tracey, the best counsellor I could ever wish to meet (virtually, on WhatsApp Video!) I was put in touch with Tracey via The Echo Society, a volunteer-driven not-for-profit organisation providing support for people who have been victims of Narcissistic abuse.

It was about a year earlier that I came to realise that my mum suffered from Narcissistic Personality Disorder and I opened up to a few close friends, which I found difficult. So I thought talking to someone I didn’t know about my experiences (via video) would be even harder. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Tracey put me at ease straight away and totally understood my situation. She is warm, kind and funny. As my sessions progressed various tricky family situations arose, I felt helpless and at times unable to cope. When I felt there was no answer, no way through, Tracey helped me find the way, in a style that I felt comfortable with and suited me. 

Prior to finding Tracey I had a few face-to-face sessions with a local counsellor. This helped get me started on the right path, but I felt I reached a dead end, as she didn’t understand that I couldn’t talk to my mum about our relationship and resolve the issues that way. Tracey totally “got it” and has helped me develop strategies and set boundaries to cope with my mum’s behaviour. Tracey often draws on her own personal experiences of Narcissistic abuse during our sessions and I find that very useful. She has helped me feel empowered; her counselling has had a positive impact on all areas of my life, not just my relationship with my mum. 

There have been lots of unhealthy thought patterns that have been ingrained in me since birth and reinforced by my mum throughout my life. If you have been a victim of Narcissistic abuse you will know what I mean. Tracey has helped me to retrain my brain and redress the balance.  I’m no longer a victim (I never really felt comfortable with that term), I’m a victor and Tracey has played a huge part in my healing journey.

I am so glad I found her, one day I hope to meet her in person and give her a hug! She has helped me so much. Thank you Tracey. 

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