I guess so many people in this world spend life just getting by – just surviving on the hamster wheel of juggling family, partners, parents, interests, jobs, careers and friends… for some it works well; for others it’s more finely balanced… and sadly, for a smaller percentage still, it will all fall apart one day and you are left wondering just what on earth happened.
This was my experience in 2020. I found myself homeless during the pandemic, having lost my home, gone through a divorce, suffered physical violence against me and other abuse that nearly rubbed me out.
I guess I’d always been mildly conscious of being a bit of a people pleaser, worrying about what people thought of me. But the ‘trauma’ of my childhood (always moving home when very young and then life as a lonely and bullied latch key kid later) I never truly understood the implications and the potential impact of this.
I mostly drifted through my 20s, followed my friends from party to concert to festival to bar and back. After a period of unhappiness, physical symptoms and mild anxiety (that I put down to my life choices at the time), until I met someone and, despite some doubt and avoidance on my behalf, we settled down and eventually we got married in 2013 after 6 years together. Looking back, I married because I felt it was the right thing to do – primarily for others expectations; for her, for our families, but also because we’d been together for these six years and it felt like time was slipping away somehow. Even when I popped the big question, the answer was “Are you sure?” Looking back, it was destined not to survive as we both felt that being with someone – anyone – was better than being alone, and then to compound its fate, we also did not know how to communicate.
Learning to stay with someone far longer than was healthy where you do not align, sadly became underlined going through the divorce when, at this moment of maximum vulnerability, I fell for the charms of someone different who felt like ‘home’ – that, I see now, was the combination of two people with deep, unhealed childhood wounds. Seeing and imagining in each other the would-be the parent figure to make it all ok again…
I ultimately, betrayed myself to put up with bullying, emotional abuse, destruction of my property and, in the end, violence. Some three years, with many tears and far more trauma. I am now free and healing but only through the irony of the challenging and relentless pandemic giving me an opportunity to get away.
It’s been a long road but finally I am now learning a real lot about myself; through growth, inner work and healing from both the original and newer trauma.
If I have any advice to give, I strongly recommend being in touch with your gut instinct and reflect on your choices regularly. Speak your truth and challenge any controlling behaviour.
And, finally, if you’ve been through or are going through a tumultuous time, take the time to investigate your feelings and be proactive in prioritising your healing above all else!
Image, thanks to : warren-wong-u7dy-n4uZVk-unsplash.jpg