Shame creeps around behind the scenes for most children whom have grown up in toxic environment; something we swallow down deep, hand in hand with the belief that, no matter what we do, we just aren’t good enough.
And that’s the thing, sometimes in a toxic environment we are valued for the things we do; we do our best to make people happy and our reward is being valued for what we have just done, for that brief moment.
The difference? in a secure household, doing something adds happiness, but doesn’t create value, because we are already valued and already loved just by BEING. Everything else we do becomes added extras, so even if we are not doing, we are still be loved and valued just by being us.
I shall just keep this little post brief as Brené, is once again hitting awesome with her talks;
What is the antidote to shame?
“Empathy.”
What gives power to shame?
“Secrecy, silence and judgement.”
What Brené also says, is that guilt and shame are two very different beasts; guilt reflects on the behaviour whereas shame reflects on the identity.
“ I made a mistake” Guilt
“I am a mistake” Shame
It isn’t uncommon to find the child of a toxic parent who fails to give the parent EVERYTHING that they need, to be awash with shame. Because we have been groomed to appease and please, and when we don’t, we don’t just simply make a mistake, we become a ‘bad person’ for not sacrificing our needs, or, for not wanting to please, in doing so, we cause rejection and because in most cases a toxic parent is unable to reflect there becomes something wrong with you. Not the choices you took or the reasons you took those choices.
And of course always remembering that the toxic injury happened when you were a child- how could you ever even expect to meet a toxic parent’s needs? You were far too little to take on such big expectations.
As Brené discusses in her Ted Talk, the antidote is empathy; empathy to others but most importantly, empathy to the child within and to yourself as an adult.
Children are expected to make mistakes- that is an integra; part of learning as we grow up, and as an adult? Of course we make mistakes, that’s being human, the trick is the forgiveness, learning how to forgive ourselves through empathy, is the key.
https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame?utm_campaign=tedspread&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=tedcomshare
With thanks to Chaewon Lee on Unsplash: https://unsplash.com/photos/VfhoKbFv16Y