Does ‘Alone’ have to be a dirty word?
Making the choice to be alone, be it for a day, a week, a year or even a lockdown (who knows what length of time one of those are) is an interesting position to be in, but more often than not, especially at times like this, being alone is rather forced upon us than chosen.
The human species has a really great gift, we can adapt, some of us easier than others, but in the end the choice we have for happiness can be around adapting and how easily we make the choice to adapt.
In the many years of working, what has spoken to me most is how we can feel abjectly alone when we are with someone who doesn’t get us, who doesn’t understand us, nor we them, I won’t utter the buzzword Narcissist, not here, not now, because it isn’t just Narcissism that comes into question when a relationship doesn’t work out as well as we hoped, it can just be something as simple as difference, or a breakdown in communication, or love styles.
But sometimes, sometimes it can be that we are with a Narcissist, or someone on the Narcissistic spectrum, and perhaps it is only coming to light with this one to one lockdown living, perhaps a bit of a Google has shown you some things that really, finally make sense. One of the guides through a toxic relationship can be yourself:
Do you feel unheard or unseen?
Do you feel lonely, and chastise yourself because you know you shouldn’t feel lonely, this is what you always wanted.
Do your needs get met or are you constantly providing for the other’s needs? -That can come in many ways by;
Meeting their practical needs; like cooking & cleaning
Meeting their purchase needs; constantly having to buy presents and gifts
Meeting their emotional needs; ‘keeping’ them happy by not disagreeing or by constantly complimenting.
Meeting their expectations, feeling like you have to perform, dress up, work out to please them
Your body and your feelings can be your guide, take time out to listen to how you feel, measure it, (that can really help)
“Out of 10 for loneliness I feel a 9.”
“Out of 100% I feel 20% happy.”
Ideally we always want to be around the middle on a usual day, a 6 on the happiness scale, is a healthy average, we can’t possibly be a 9, or even a 10 all the time, that would be like eating cake for breakfast, lunch and tea!
So we want to be in the healthy ranges, the middle ground- measuring our feelings can help us to see where we are at, but can also help to locate what those feelings actually are, how strong is your hopelessness scale? Your uncertainty scale? Could that be because of lockdown, or could it be because of finding your purpose? …How strong is the scale for meeting your purpose?
It can be really helpful to get an idea of what is going on, whether it is us, our relationship or life circumstances, because once we know, we can do something about it.
Coming back to the main theme of this blog, ‘going it alone’, what if you are in a relationship that for whatever reason isn’t working, but you are too scared to be alone? Can you feel more alone than you do right now? Is that possible? What stops you from making changes? perhaps if you have the space and the safety to do so, writing the pros and cons can really be helpful- not just the practical, but the emotional, remembering that if you have been in a toxic relationship for a while now, chances are, you have already been going it alone.
After being heavily embroiled in a toxic or Narcissistic relationship, the general advice is to go no contact; the reason for this, in the main is for a healthier recovery process - keeping the wound clean so to speak, but it’s not just from the ‘other’ person, we can remain connected and in contact by bingeing on youtube videos about Narcissism or toxic relationships, we can go hunting for validation on Quora or Insta, once we have managed to escape the clutches of the toxic death throes and we separate from the other, we heal, we stay away from contact, the final stage is to be at peace with the endless hunt for explanation, to let go of the youtube videos, and the sucking in of the knowledge about all the buzzwords the covert narcissism, gaslighting, emeshment etc, Because that is all about them. That is contact to the old.
So it is time to focus on all about you, learning about what is is you want, turning yourself to face the future, enjoying being alone and doing ALL the things you couldn’t do in that toxic world.
What do you like?
What do you love?
Was trashy TV of football GUILT FREE!
Alone can be a gift if we give ourselves the chance to really, I mean really enjoy it.
So do get in touch if you’re having a wobble about being alone or lonely, it doesn’t have to be for a lifetime of sessions, it can just be for a pick me up, or a chance to understand what it is you want, more often than not, if we have been groomed to be in a relationship where we are not ‘allowed’ to have needs, knowing what we actually want when we are out a relationship can be really tough, so it can be useful just to talk stuff through and make life easier.
You can treat yourself to a book too perhaps?
The Unexpected joy of being single is a great start.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Unexpected-Joy-Being-Single/dp/1912023814/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=the+unexpected+joy+of+being+single&qid=1611190076&sr=8-1