I listened to a Podcast the other day, where the person interviewed gave a quote that went something like,
“Plants want to grow and will, but if you give them the right care and attention, they won’t just grow, they will flourish.”
I work with many people who are absolutely gorgeous; thoughtful, considerate, kind, just to name a few of the values that I really admire - its not easy being in London and upholding those values amongst so many strangers, yet they do.
I have always found myself wondering, (with what is also my lifetime challenge) how can the values and the wonderful acts of kindness to strangers (and those we know in equal measure) not correlate with how we talk to ourselves inside our head, especially at times when we really need our own support?
And maybe, just maybe there is a way out of this.
Those who know me, will also know the strength I put on all people being different in all sorts of ways - not just how we look, but who we are; we can be just as varied on the inside as the outside.
So in a deep dive into why I hurt myself when I need me most and what can I do to become my own cheer-leader, I found myself wondering about Love languages and their impact on relationships, and perhaps we can use the same perspective to use them with our relationship with ourselves.
Firstly, what are the basics of The Love languages? Inspired and conceived by Gary Chapman, an American Pastor and Anthropologist, considered that if we are in a relationship with a significant ‘other’, it is more than likely that we may have different languages and these differences can cause conflict or when the same, enhance the loving relationship. He settled on a variety of five types, and these can be interchangeable, but chances are, there will be a primary go - to for all of us.
Words of Affirmation:
This love language involves verbal and written expressions of love and appreciation. People who value this love language thrive on compliments, kind words, and supportive messages.
Quality Time:
Quality time is about giving undivided attention and spending meaningful time with your loved ones. People who appreciate this love language value focused and uninterrupted moments together.
Receiving Gifts:
This love language involves the giving and receiving of physical gifts. People who resonate with this love language appreciate thoughtful presents as symbols of love and care.
Acts of Service:
Acts of service refer to doing things for others to express love and support. This can include tasks or favours that alleviate the burden on the recipient. People who value this love language feel loved when others help them out.
Physical Touch:
Physical touch encompasses non-sexual physical contact, such as hugs, holding hands, or a gentle touch on the arm. People who have this love language feel most loved and connected through physical affection.
So imagine if our love language is words of affirmation and that is so very important to us, and we then say in our heads, “You’re shit, everything you do is shit, everything that you look like is shit.” Where does that leave us? - Especially when words of affirmation are so important.
Or, if you valued quality time the most and you worked full time and then gave extra hours overtime away without a second thought - What damage is that doing to your psyche?
So what could we do to remedy the situation?
Firstly, let’s establish what our primary love language is, do click on the link that leads you to the Love Language Questionnaire and then, when you’re ready, have a look below for ways to make a difference in being kind to yourself and lets see if it does :)
https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language
What we can do…
Words of Affirmation:
- Write positive affirmations about yourself and read them daily.
- Practice self-talk that is encouraging and uplifting.
- Keep a gratitude journal to remind yourself of your accomplishments and strengths.
Quality Time:
- Set aside regular "me-time" to engage in activities you enjoy.
- Prioritise self-care and self-reflection, maybe through journaling.
- Disconnect from technology and create moments of solitude for self-reflection.
Receiving Gifts:
- Treat yourself to small indulgences or items you've been wanting.
- Celebrate your achievements with rewards or tokens of self-appreciation.
- Create a self-care package with items that bring you joy and comfort.
Acts of Service:
- Take care of your physical and emotional needs, such as eating well, exercising, and getting enough rest.
- Delegate tasks or ask for help when needed to reduce stress.
- Engage in acts of self-compassion, such as forgiving yourself and practicing self-care routines.
Physical Touch:
- Engage in activities that promote physical well-being, such as exercising, getting a massage, or taking relaxing baths.
- Practice self-soothing techniques like gentle self-massage or holding yourself in comforting positions.
- Wear clothes that make you feel comfortable and confident in your own skin.
These examples are just a beginning point, and it's really important to explore what works best for you to flourish, not what anyone else would do.
Consider your own preferences and needs, and find ways to incorporate self-love practices that align with your primary love language as a starter to the road of self love and recovery from that toxic person inside your head.
I’m going to give it a go too, because, you know, why not?
Thanks to Photo by Jacob Plumb on Unsplash