Doing the right thing is hard.
I'm nostalgic for a time when impulsivity was met with little to no resistance, when the consequences were merely minor details to be dealt with at a later date by a different version of myself.
One who knew better but didn't always do better.
It's fun to do the wrong things, even if you know you'll get hurt in the end, whether it's soon or later - sooner or later aren't now, they're distant future memories.
I know in my heart that I do not want to cause myself pain.
Resistance is only fun until reality strikes with an open palm once more. As I hit the floor and finally look up to see the unavoidable truth, the feelings I was trying to avoid wash over me tenfold.
I'm paralysed.
I will fix myself by repeating the same formula until something has to give.
I can convince myself of many things, but underneath, I always know the truth which is why I become obsessed with convincing myself of the lie.
'It will be OK, I will be OK, I can do this thing and it will be fine, right? I'm good now, I can handle this. I can be this person I've never really had any long term evidence of me being simply because I have decided it is so.'
If only I had listened, if only I'd learned.
And it will always be fine, it will always be OK, but do I want it the easy way or the hard way?
Do I want to favour short term satisfaction and long term discomfort over short term needing, no, wanting and delayed gratification with a bigger, more rewarding payout.
How many times do I have to learn?
Ultimately, I have to practise living with myself. I have to accept who I am, all my faults, all the parts of me that don't work the way I think they should (and who am I to say?) and work with them rather than against them.
I should not conspire against my weaknesses and be stubborn enough to think that self-will and desire alone are enough to overcome parts of me that are entrenched.
It would be nice to have the things I think others have, but what about the things I have?
They're enviable too.
Patience is a virtue and good things come to those who wait, but sometimes, in the quiet seas of change, I wish I could make it safe to be a hurricane.
Photo with thanks to: Chinh Le Duc